


dropping dead would be heaven for us both

by aroundu



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Drabble, Gen, Suicide, setsubun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27016132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroundu/pseuds/aroundu
Summary: There’s so much beauty in this world- laughter, joy, wonder, riches- and while Hinata never got the standard amount of fortunes, he still oh so selfishly could not appreciate the few he did. Yuuta certainly does deserve a better brother than himself, but he can’t be replaced if he continues to stall and swing his legs here.
Relationships: Aoi Hinata & Aoi Yuuta
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	dropping dead would be heaven for us both

**Author's Note:**

> very big tw for suicide as it is the focus of this fic and not beat around at all!!  
> i wrote this when i was pretty stressed out and i havent even really checked back on it to edit so if theres mistakes im sorry ><

He wishes he had spared more time to look at sunsets. Nature was powerful, and she created many beautiful imageries, but none could quite take his breath away like a sunset. This sunset in particular, was dripping into his veins- replacing the wine of his blood with warm oranges and yellows dancing across the sky. Looks like there was one gift that came with his existence, but what a shame he’s tasting it only just now.

“It’s chilly,” he says to no one in particular. Maybe he expected the wind to respond. Or maybe his father- he can’t deny that hearing his father’s cruel snarls of rage would probably have him running inside where it’s safe. There’s no one here though, so he doesn’t have to worry about being stopped. Yes, this is truly his decision and his alone. Yuuta will be happy that he’s thinking of himself for once, and with that in mind, his numb fingers curl tighter around the guardrail. 

Like he said, it was chilly, so the faux-steel pole digs a little chill into his palms that his lone body heat can only do so much to warm up. When he’s gone, he wonders how long he can keep the metal warmed. Some evidence of his living, breathing self would be left behind, and-

“Ah, I almost forgot.” He swings a leg over the rail so he’s straddling it, and starts untying his dirty, second-hand shoes. They were too small for him, especially with this recent growth spurt he’s been going through, but they weren’t in awful condition. Hopefully Yuuta could resell them- he better resell them and use the money for something worthwhile like some new clothes or schoolbooks. If a single dollar went towards some silly celebration of his life after the fact, then he would have to come and do some hauntings.

He drops the shoes onto the bland concrete and swings himself back over to face the sunset again.

Before he takes the first and final step, he wants to appreciate the sunset just a second longer. There’s so much beauty in this world- laughter, joy, wonder, riches- and while Hinata never got the standard amount of fortunes, he still oh so selfishly could not appreciate the few he did. Yuuta certainly does deserve a better brother than himself, but he can’t be replaced if he continues to stall and swing his legs here.

He thinks for a moment that these ideas and thoughts plagued him since his childhood, and it’s just a shame that he couldn’t keep from acting them out.

And it’s all too quickly replaced with shame. How dare he feel so terrible about himself and wallow in his woes when he doesn’t deserve to spend a moment more entertaining these thoughts. It’s laughable. His poor brother is suffering, and he’s as selfish as to make it all about him. 

Out of everyone in the world, he truly is the evil monster that deserves this fate the most. Punishment for feeling worthless, then punishment for the action of feeling- it’s all become so diluted, hasn’t it? How is he supposed to manage all his teenage angst when he’s been dealing with the threat of starvation and eviction ever since his mom died? Surely he should be an expert, but the only thing he is knowledgeable in is the sharp curve of his nails as they dug into his skin whenever one too many things overwhelmed him. Or in how the inside of his cheeks are so scarred and constantly trying to heal bites from a stressed jaw, or his poor teeth being grinded to dust during the night.

Isn’t it just so selfish that he thinks anything is wrong with him? Is it not an irrational thought, one ingrained in him by his father, that he really is a normal kid who is just pathetically inept at dealing with the slightest emotions? 

His emotions never quite get so strong, but he truly and wholly hopes his father dies. For Yuuta’s sake of course. He’s not so selfish as to demand someone else’s blood spit from their body and choke on the fumes of their blessedly composing body. For himself though? Well, it’s nothing more than a solution- some easy way to fix everything that’s wrong in his life.

Avoidance is an art, and one that Hinata has spent 16 years mastering. Avoiding feelings, emotions, everything that troubled his poor little mind. His happy smiles, joyous giggles well it’s all just one big show and tells of what a wonderful actor he is. 

He tries not to be sad that no one ever bothered to try and peak under his mask, but then again he thinks he’d be on this rooftop much sooner if anyone ever did. 

That is the fear of being known afterall.

The wind picks up, beckoning him to move on, dancing and curling around his obnoxious orange hair and cheap practice jacket. He read that when people sat high up that they could hear their heartbeats in their ears, but he couldn't hear anything at all except the breeze rustling the trees’ leaves. He was already a monster since birth, so perhaps he never had a human heartbeat at all. He could count the number of times he felt like a normal human on one hand, and there was no surprise that at a moment like this there wasn’t fear bubbling in his stomach. It would be refreshing if he felt an ounce of hesitance about what he’s going to do, but all he thinks about is how nice it will be to finally be rid of everything. 

He doesn’t quite know what he feels, but he’s over holding onto these cold bars.

And this self-imposed wind rushing around him could never be as fast as the sunshine blood pumping through him, cursed green eyes held wide open. The carefully exquisite brick sidewalk approaching in a flash. The tree tops disappearing. His feet hurt, a nasty buckling of his ankles, and then-

* * *

Yuuta always thought that days like these were supposed to be dark and gloomy, with gray clouds covering the sky and acting as a barrier to the sun. That isn’t the case. His skin feels the harsh light of the sun, and he thinks it’s rather cruel that a day like this be beautiful- a day that his brother would have enjoyed.

Yes, his brother would think this was a perfect day. If they were still kids, then he’d be dragging Yuuta to run around outside and play games that only the two of them know the rules of. There’s not a single cloud hanging in the sky, and his brother would insist that it’s because they went away just so he and Yuuta could have a great time playing outside.

Still, it’s unfair that the sun is shining so bright today.

Today, when his brother is going to be put into the ground. 

It won’t be the last time he sees his brother though, no, not when they share the same face. Then again, Yuuta won’t ever be able to guess how his own face will look when it decays and rots away, turning into nothing but bitter bone.

Nothing would ever be as so bodily disgusting as the wet slap that had sounded out over Yumenosaki’s deaf ears the day of the Setsubun Festival. Yuuta didn’t think about what a person falling off a building would sound like before that, and after it, it’s all he can do to try and imagine anything else when he closes his eyes. Human bodies are really filled with so much blood and fluid, but no one ever thinks about it, Yuuta didn’t until he saw over the edge, the mess of collapsed organs and broken bones his brother had become. People probably expected the sound to be a thud, like dropping a stack of books on the ground or like the slam of a heavy wooden door, but it was like a smack against something wet. Yuuta grew up believing Hinata was so strong and untouchable- that his brother truly was a rare, lucky, anomaly of strength, but he’s nothing more than food for the Earth now.

Hinata was not invulnerable.

Yuuta only realized it too late.

**Author's Note:**

> i wouldve normally posted a short thing like this in my hinata drabble collection but i wanted to avoid upping the maturity/content warnings just for one chapter so here it is separately!   
> here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/AOlHlNATA) and my [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/haiba_alisas) if you have any hinata prompts cuz i really like him,,


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